Thursday, January 03, 2008

Teenage Cavegirl

Whilst One Million Years BC didn't exactly have a huge budget it must have been like having Titanic's compared with what was available to the makers of "erotic" cavegirl film Teenage Cavegirl.

This 2004 direct to DVD film was directed by Fred Olen Ray. Given that he has made over eighty films and his best known is called Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988) you can imagine the quality level.

The film doesn't deserve it's own plot summary entry and the plot is short anyway, given that most of the 80 minute running time is given over to (fake) sex scenes, but here goes.

The opening is qute a good pastiche of Hammer type prehistoric films and it can't be a coincidence that the opening scene is set one million years ago (unless of course the writers thought that they really did have cavegirls and dinosaurs co-existing one million years ago).

Really the best Cavegirl in fur bikini shot in the film.

We see our cavegirl in fur bikini straight away. Except it isn't a fur bikini it's a sort of printed chamois looking effort. Cavegirl, Tahra, played by hard core porn actress Jezebelle Bond, wanders across the prehistoric landscape and gazes at some of the worst CGI dinosaurs outside of the original Tomb Raider game.
You gain points for having a Triceratops
It's actually Bronson Canyon, a stone's throw from the Hollywood sign in Griffith Park, right in the middle of Greater Los Angeles. IMDB actually lists 198 other productions filmed there. Almost all of them terrible TV shows and B-movies (like Star Trek Voyager). So Fred Olen Ray is either being ironic or just cheap or probably both.

Tahra goes back to her cave and soon gets down to business with her caveman partner Tiko played by another hardcore performer Evan Stone. This extended scene just demonstrates how fake softcore sex can look when badly filmed. Musclebound Evan who looks more like a WWF (or whatever it's called) wrestler than a caveman seems understandably fascinated by Jezebelle's very perky nipples.

Next day Tahra leaves the cave for a walk (or something) gets chased by an even worse CGI dinosaur and escapes through a whirling blue wormhole, vortex, stargate thingy which is another dreadful effect.

She is transported into the present day, but to exactly the same location as, there is, of course no concept of the landscape having changed in a million years. We won't even get into the fact that there weren't any people at all in North America until around 40,000 years ago. So what archaeologists Richard (Alexandre Boisvert -another porn star) and Sharon (Kennedy Johnston, or Danielle Pettyas she is also known) actually think they will find in their search for ancient man is not clear.

Richard and Sharon retire to their enormous recreational vehicle for a quick bonk. Unbeknown to them Tahra has already sneaked inside and watches them at it from under a blanket. They discover Tahra and decide to take her home as they think they can make big money off her, so they contact their scientist friend Dr Matthews played by Jay Richardson, a man whose filmography contains an inordinate number of productions with the word "bikini" in the title.

It's not a fur bikini! take it off!

In the meantime Sharon decides Tahra needs a bath (although actually she looks clean as a whistle).

Girl vs Woman

She talks Tahra out of her clothes and into the bath.

This leads to by far the best sex scene in the film.

Kennedy Johnston does a much more realistic fake orgasm than the ludicrous screaming of the hardcore girls.

I'm a proper actress, I am

Meanwhile caveman Tiko has also gone through the time portal, wormhole, stargate, thingy in search of Tara. He bumps into a SUV (literally-for a porn star he has a reasonable sense of physical comedy) where he watches two really quite unattractive people having sex. These people don't appear again and don't add anything to the plot (what there is of it) and the woman has particularly nasty looking silicone breasts.

Back in the archaeologist's house the Doctor and his young girlfriend turn up for drinks and are introduced to Tahra. The doctor puts Tahra into his brain reading machine to confirm whether she really is from the Stone Age. The screen shows a point of view of the ropey dinosaur, followed by her view of the archaeologists at it. Fair enough, but as always in every film I have ever seen that uses a "brain visualiser" the view of the cavegirl and Sharon in the bath includes Tahra. NO! If it's her memories she can't be in the picture! They always do this as they are always too mean to film a special pov sequence!

Meanwhile Sharon is getting down to it with the Doctor's girlfriend Cynthia played by Nicole Sheridan (not to be confused with the stringy bimbo from Desperate Housewives) who has over 250 hardcore films to her credit including the wonderfully titled Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre and her most recent Girl with the Sex-ray Eyes! Nicole also has horible fake breasts. I can't stand silicone women! Fortunately, Jezebelle is naturally perky.

Meanwhile caveman Tiko finds his way to Sharon and Richard's house (he must be the tracker to end all trackers) but gets hijacked by Sharon and Cynthia for a three way.

Later, Cynthia and Dr Matthews kidnap Tahra so they an make all the money from their discovery. At this point we have an awful lot of plot which results in Tiko connecting Dr Matthews to his own fiendish device and draining all his memories. Cynthia (who has changed sides like all fickle women), Sharon and Richard believe that the only thing to do is send the cavecoupleback to their own time.

They drive back to Bronson Canyon which gives the three girls the chance for a threeway with Tiko in the back of the RV whilst the clueless Richard drives the bus. Tahra and Tiko jump back in time and reveal a twist which owes much to Roger Corman's Teenage Caveman (1958) -which was also filmed in Bronson Canyon.

Teenage Cavegirl is just about watchable (once) and, for me, that was largely down to the presence of Kennedy Johnston (or Danielle Petty, which seems to be her real name) who is the best thing in the film. A striking woman who reminded me of both Sean Young and Jennifer Connelly. She was 34 when this film was made and looks like a real woman (as well as being a proper actress not a porn star) in a cast of otherwise airhead (and largely silicone) bimbos. I think I actually laughed three times which is not a great rate for a comedy (even a sex one). Other than the bath scene most of the sex scenes were pretty lame too.

The DVD is fullframe (as it was filmed) and has no extras other than a few stills (I have never understood the purpose of stills on a DVD). The picture quality is very good however.

As a cavegirl in fur bikini film it does have one cavegirl and her bikini is quite nice if not even trying to be authentic (using One Million Years BC as the source of authenticity). It loses points for being set mainly in the present but at least they made an attempt with the CGI dinosaurs.

But all in all we can only give it: 3/10


  1. Superb review - made me laugh (and, curiously, want to see it. Can't imagine why :-))

  2. i was excited to see the triceratops, but was disappointed to see that there weren't 3 girls riding it.

  3. great stuff, love your blog - i stumbled across it while looking for an image for my blog !

  4. Hey You have link for this film - rapidshare or torrent? :)

  5. Hi, loved the review; I too want to see it, at least once, and I appreciate that you posted resources, links, art, etc as well, thanks! Gregory Scaff