Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Cavegirl: Sharon Engert

Here are a few pictures of "actress and model" Sharon Engert as a cavegirl.  Actually, Sharon's acting experience appears to be confined to one film called Play-mate of the Apes (2002) where, interestingly, she co-stars with Misty Mundae, star of Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet (2005) which we will look at in due course.

From Play-mate of the Apes

The film does, incidentally, feature several cavegirl-type women but as it is a parody of Planet of the Apes rather than a cavegirl film we don't think we will bother to try and acquire it.

Much of Miss Engert's modelling seems to be for certain bondage-focussed websites where she demonstrates a number of agonised looking expressions (possibly a requirement for this sort of thing).  Perhaps that is the acting talent?

There are more pictures available in this series but frankly we didn't think that she was worth joining a pay site for to access them as she is far too plastic-looking for Agent Triple P's taste.

Although some of these pictures are quite nice (particularly the one above) we are afraid that we have to give her a silicone-reduced score of 5/10.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Beach Babes 2: Cavegirl Island

No cavegirl film is ever going to win an Oscar but, at least, sometimes we can hope to enjoy an hour and a half of pre-historic babes in animal skin fun with, hopefully, a few very un-historic dinosaurs thrown in.  At best we get a be-skinned heroine who renders the surrounding film largely irrelevant as she lights up the screen whenever she is on it to the exclusion of pretty much else (Raquel).   At a lower level we might get a nice girl in an attempt at an animal skin bikini but in a film hampered by a lack of budget so, perhaps, moving our cavegirl to the present (for example, Teenage Cavegirl).

When we reviewed Teenage Cavegirl we gave it three stars, imagining, perhaps, that it would be nigh on impossible to find a worse cavegirl film.  How very wrong we were, because here comes Beach Babes 2: Cavegirl Island (1998) which makes the original Hammer cavegirl trilogy look like Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings by comparison.

Two out of three of our alien babes wonder why the other has dumped all her clothes

Trying to describe the plot is pointless but it is something along these lines: Three alien girls from an earlier film Beach Babes from Beyond (1993) (except two out of three of them aren't the original actresses) crash their very small and cheap looking spaceship on a beach.  One of the three has disappeared and finds a local caveman.  The others find some cavegirls and start dancing (there is a lot of dreadful dancing in this film).  The other two girls then find their own cavemen whilst a villain tries to capture them for his bordello theme park (I think).

The main big-budget set.  Why highly technological aliens need a ghettoblaster to provide music isn't explained

There is no production design to speak of (the cavegirl village consists of one hut and a few bits of tiki sculpture), the cavegirl costumes are terrible, the acting worse (with the honourable exception of Sara Bellomo; which is surprising as she was a porn star under the name of Roxanne Blaze) and the plot is nonsensical. 

No with a film like this it is the simulated sex scenes (of which there are a lot) which count.  Fair enough if that is your market but in the case of the DVD it has been cut which means that most of the sex scenes have been replaced by, wait for it, extracts of the girls dancing from earlier in the film. 

Fun with a banana: but not on the DVD

Yes, not cut completely but replaced by totally visually irrelevant material.  Amazing!  We gather that the sex scenes in the original version (including an infamous banana sequence) were not bad and, actually, the bits that remain are filmed quite nicely in flattering lighting.

The film was made in 1994 but not released until 1998, which says a lot.  Directed by Roger Corman-trained schlock-meister David DeCoteau (under one of his female noms de plumes, Ellen Cabot), who has over eighty films to his credit.  Like Teenage Cavegirl, most of the exterior scenes were shot in Bronson Canyon. Los Angeles.

Chamois rather than fur bikinis

So, all in all the uncut original version probably rates a 2/10 but the ridiculously edited DVD version (which is the same in the US and the UK) rates only 1/10 (and that is largely because of the stop-motion dinosaurs brought in from another film).